Local Spiritsmith Conjures up Mayhem

Spiritsmith Briley McPendlebritches summons Father Christmas unexpectedly from his slumber

Traveling spiritsmiths are usually of little concern to the residents of New Peebleshire, but one in particular has caused quite a stir as of late. Briley McPendlebritches has long been known for his dastardly wizardry, which has now found its way to the cobblestone streets of our fair village. His conuring of disgruntled spirits has disrupted seemingly everything in town, from bootblack guild beet cook-offs to playwrite Fritz McJulip's latest production, "Poppycock!"

With little hope of running McPendlebritches out of town peacefully, the commoners may be forced to resort to a town-wide booting (a practice which involves all residents wearing a boot on their dominant leg whilst leaving the other foot bare. The residents then give chase to the object of the booting, who, if caught, suffers no less than 140 kicks to the midsection). Such drastic measures have not been taken since 1611, when a suspected witch was caught tampering with the sorghum mill.

Needless to say, there must be found a resolution soon, lest the drunken spirit of Father Christmas show his face again.

A devout follower of McPendlebritches, wearing the signature hat and cape of all his apprentices.

Local Residents Pleased with Saint Hubbins Day Festivities

A depiction of Saint Hubbins, here seen warning snakes against touching his shoes.

March 4th has come and gone, and so has another fruitful Saint Hubbins Day celebration. Candied figs, fresh Poppycock, and malted sorghum were in heavy supply on this, New Peebleshire's most beloved holiday.

This marks the 435th observance of the legacy of Saint Hubbins, who was the patron Saint of Quality Footwear. The holiday was formed when one of New Peebleshire's local scholars observed that March Fourth is the only day of the year which also functions as a complete sentence (March forth.). Given that proper marching and quality footwear are inseparable, the day was borne with much rejoicing.

The holiday begins with friends and family giving one another the gift of shoes. Perhaps one will receive the standard black shoe with golden buckle, or perhaps a wooden clog, or even the occasional house slipper made from fresh pumpernickel.

Then comes the great parade which, unlike most, encourages all of the citizens to "march forth" with their new shoes, bearing proudly their most prized gift of all...self-esteem. It is a grand occasion for every citizen -- from the lowest commoner to the highest bearer of scrupleberries -- all are considered equal on Olde Saint Hubbins Day.

This type of wooden clog was a popular Saint Hubbins Day gift for 2006.

A Tribute to the Fife

When dawn breaks in New Peebleshire, before the cock crows or the bootblack soots his cheeks, one will inevitably hear the sweet whisper of fife music ringing through the cobblestone.

The melody strengthens as the local fifer's guild parades up the street, greeting the new day with the joyous sounds of the flute's illegitimate cousin. Children burst forth from their cottages when the fife wielders draw near, if perchance to join in the magical procession that seems to pass all too quickly.

"Fear not little ones," the Head Fife assures, "we shant refuse you such delights when the morrow morn commeth." So the children return to their sorghum-based breakfast cereals while the fifer's songs dimmeth. "Where do they go?" the children wonder, and their parents point them eastward. "To Gillowsbry Forest, of course!" they'll say, "to join with the birds in song."

A rightful tribute to the fife, which brings to all both joy and life, which toots its song for all to hear, and ushers in our daily cheer.

New Peebleshire's Official Snackfood: Poppycock

Sweet sweet Poppycock. Warning: Eating poppycock whilst wearing fingerless gloves can cause quite the sticky, or should I say satisfying, predicament.

Poppycock is the one type of morsel you're sure to see at the top of the liquorsmith's late-night menu or carelessly lodged in the beard of an unsuspecting magistrate. Composed of sweetened popping corn fused with puffed millet, nothing satisfies the palate after a long day at the grindstone quite like poppycock.

On a side note, New Peebleshire's dental care boycott has the local milletsmith's guild up in arms. Poppycock sales are down 4% this quarter as commoners are reportedly avoiding sugar in an attempt to preserve what's left of their smiles. In related news, sales of beef-flavored boot leather are up 9%.

Modern Dentistry Lacking in New Peebleshire

A lechermaiden receives less-than-adequate dental care.

Residents of New Peebleshire are becoming increasingly aware that their village's dental practices have fallen a bit behind the times. It all began when Shumpert McGildersneed shared the story of his rich Uncle Reginald from London. Apparently, London's dentists are able to remove cavities with a drill not operated by hand crank. Such news came as a great surprise to the commoners of the village, who naturally associate dentistry with blinding pain.

When local dentist Billiam McDeert was questioned about his own practices, he became quite defensive. "Dentistry without extreme pain is like a schoolboy without ribbon candy! If these well-to-do dentists in the city are removing pain from their procedures, then what's next...no longer using the white cloth that we tie around a person's head to alleviate the common toothache?!" (see file photo below).

While it is unlikely that such dramatic advancements in dentistry will be realized any time soon, the residents of New Peebleshire have instituted a strike against the likes of McDeert. Until changes are made, no resident will brush his teeth nor refrain from eating figged candies.

The common "cure" for a toothache.

Residents Outraged Over Giblet Shortage

The residents of New Peebleshire are reasonably upset over their current lack of giblets, a necessity in making dinner gravy. The village has been turkey-free since the great turkey famine of 1807, but the bird's meat remains a popular import from far-away Belfriesboro.

Giblet gravy has been a staple in the diet of the commoners here since 1741, when young Derelect McFoote famously drank a pint of it at the urging of his fellow cobblers. McFoote's legend, and the gravy's popularity, grew rapidly.

Belfriesboro, which is in the midst of its own turkey famine, has been unable to spare even a gizzard to its giblet-starved neighbors. With no certainty as to when the famine will end, members of New Peebleshire's local giblet guild are ready to give up hope. Only time will tell.

A popular Gravysmith whips up a fresh batch of the good stuff.

New Peebleshire Myth of the Week: The Slumber Fairy

The Slumber Fairy, anxiously awaiting the coming of twilight.

The Slumber Fairy, one of New Peebleshire's oldest and most favored myths, is the tiniest of all the fairies. Whilst her dainty appearance and whimsical nature appeal to the children of the village, her value among the elder members of New Peebleshire cannot be overstated.

The Slumber Fairy appears, approriately, whilst one sleeps. Unlike the more commonly known fairies, she carries no pixie dust or magic wand. Instead, the Slumber Fairy brings with her a sumptuous banquet of English delights. Any citizen earning their fair share of scrupleberries will likely awaken to a table of salted meats, fig jellies, warm peppered gravy, and fermented cider.

Whilst the fairy herself has never been seen, she remains the subject of much literature and bedtime storytelling. Letters written to her by local children are often left 'neath the willow tree that sits in the middle of Gillowsbry Forest, where the Slumber Fairy is thought to reside.

New Peebleshire Word of the Week: Gilgemry

In an act of sheer childhood gilgemry, young Blythe McTootlesbury requests a second bowl of belfrie stew from the ladlesmith.

Gil-gem-ry
n.
(gill-gum-ree)

1. An act relating to uncommon valor
2. A particularly courageous effort, usually involving a member of the lower class.

Ex: "Young Michael Schmindt received an extra pan of evening comeuppance for his gilgemry during the bootblack's strike against the magistrate."